Broken Record Player
by JacquiDee
Summary: "I've had my run, baby I'm done, I'm coming back home." -Blake Shelton. JJ's favorite possession was her broken record player.


**A/N: Hi guys! Well, this is sort of a depressing way to start of the new year for me. It's darker than usual, but angst is just the feeling in my household right now. I don't even know where this came from, it just kind of attacked me so I apologize profusely for any grammar or spelling errors. This feels a little bit choppy to me, like something is rushing it. I hope that this touches some part of you because, as a writer, that's all I aim to do. Happy Reading!**

* * *

_"Death ends life, not a relationship."_

_-Mitch Albom_

* * *

JJ's most prized possession as a child was the record player her sister kept as a sort of homage to vinyl records in her room. They would sit together, braiding hair or talking about the cute boy who'd smiled at her in the hallway today, listening to the sweet sound of the records. The night her sister died, the record player fell to the floor and cracked. A sobbing 10 year old JJ had carefully removed the record player from her sister's room and stashed it away, to be taken to college, and later on, to Virginia. It didn't matter that it no longer played records, the antique was always her favorite possession, one she stared at when she missed her sister, which was often, feeling a sense of melancholy. The record player symbolized herself, after her sister's death; perfect on the outside, but cracked and broken beneath the surface.

* * *

She shifted slightly in the hard, gray waiting room chair. She didn't like the doctor. Being poked and prodded and told to "open wide" just wasn't her thing. But the sharp stomach pains were persisting, the mysterious weight loss was noticeable, and the whole "being sick" situation was beginning to affect her job. At Hotch's subtle suggestion, she'd finally agreed to go get herself looked at. Oh, she'd tried to read the outdated, tattered magazines scattered on the scratched tables in the bland office. Nothing had held her attention, surely that wasn't her fault. Still, sitting still for longer than five minutes afforded her time that she didn't have on the job or at home, time to think. JJ sighed softly as she looked at her empty ring finger. So, Will hadn't worked out. She'd known he wouldn't. They were too different. Don't get her wrong, he was a strong man for having lived with her for so long without being married, only to have it all end a mere year and a half after making if official. A soft twinge in her heart reminded her that Henry was the one she should be concerned about here. If she was being honest with herself, Henry was the reason she's managed to convince herself that Will was The One. She would have to be certain her little boy knew his father. And, while she was being honest, she might as well admit the reason it had taken so long to get married in the first place. A familiar face flashed across her mind and her lips curved in a small smile as she thought about her best friend, her 'pretty boy', her Spencer. The one person, besides her son of course, that she could think about for all the time in the world and not get bored with. He'd noticed her discomfort as soon as she had, been the first to ask her about the sharpening angles of her cheekbones. She was here as much for him as for her, because she knew he hated not knowing. She shifted again, wincing at the pins and needles feeling that ran up and down her thighs.

"Jareau?" a petite brunette called, holding the door to the back open. As JJ stood, an intense twist in her abdomen made her suck in a breath. Professional concern passed over the nurse's face as she hurried over. "Are you alright Ms. Jareau?" JJ bit her lip and nodded, straightening up as the pain passed. Her nurse, Lorena, looked only mildly convinced as she tsked slightly about her appointment history, muttering on about the importance of regular checkups. "Only 110? That can't be right," she murmured, resetting the standard black scale and asking her to step back on. Looking unsettled, Lorena marked down her height and weight and led her to room number 10 at the end of the hallway. She waved at the exam table and JJ growled under her breath as the paper crinkled loudly at her disturbance. "So what seems to be the problem Ms. Jareau?" JJ shifted, wincing at the sound, suddenly wishing her mother was here to answer for her like she did when she was little.

"Um, I've been having really sharp stomach pains right here," she began, gesturing to her abdomen. "They're sporadic and don't last very long. I've lost a lot of weight recently. I don't understand why, I haven't changed my eating habits and I'm still exercising, but not excessively. My boss said I needed to get checked out," she admitted, squirming under the look from her nurse. Lorena made a few notes before standing up.

"Dr. Parker will be in to see you shortly," she murmured, closing the door quietly. JJ sighed, glancing at her watch, wondering how much longer she'd have to be here. She was mentally checking her schedule, wondering what chores she could get ahead on, if she could ever get out of this office, when the door opened and a familiar, though much older, doctor walked in.

"Ah, Jennifer. Long time, hm?" he said offhandedly, checking her chart before slipping on gloves. She winced at the snapping sound they made against his skin. "Weight loss, stomach pains, anything else?"

"Um, I'm a little nauseous sometimes," she sighed as she sat up straight and took a deep breath, trying not to shiver as his stethoscope made contact with her skin. A few moments of silence took over while he checked her heart. His expression didn't change as he slipped the freezing metal tool back around his neck. She inwardly cringed as he removed the gloves and asked her to look up. Probing her neck, she heard the quiet sound of confusion that he emitted. She leaned her head back down and raised her eyebrow slightly. Her unspoken question went unanswered and, at his instruction, she reluctantly leaned back, crying out slightly as his persistent fingers probed over her sore abdomen.

"Weight loss, abdominal pains, nausea, and swollen lymph nodes. I'm going to need to take a urine sample," he announced, decidedly more concern on his face than when he'd walked in. He handed her a clear plastic cup and she frowned, feeling awkward as she went to the bathroom to fill it. At his discretion, she left in the cabinet in the bathroom and reported the darkened color to him His eyebrows etched in deeper. She ground her teeth together as he requested a blood sample and tried not to react as the needle pierced her skin.

"What, uh, what's wrong with me? Can I still go to work?" she questioned hesitantly as she rolled her sleeve back down, avoiding the soreness she could already feel on her arm.

"For the time being, I'd suggest taking the rest of the week off. I'm having your urine and blood samples rushed to the lab, results should be in no later than Friday. Until then, take this for the nausea and pain," he advised, scribbling out a prescription and handing it to her. it wasn't until she was in line at the pharmacy after a very irritating phone call with Hotch about sick leave did she realize that Dr. Parker hadn't actually said what he thought was wrong with her.

* * *

On Friday morning, she was relatively content waking up. The stomach pain and sickness were subdued and, though she was still losing weight, she felt a little better. Spencer had brought her flowers on Wednesday and called every day to make sure she was doing alright. She was dozing as she thought about the twinkle in his eyes when she'd opened the door in her pajama pants, when the phone rang, shattering her day dream. She frowned and looked at the clock. Henry was with Will this weekend and she'd normally be sleeping or just getting up at this point. Grumbling about early morning callers, she answered the phone with a forced kind of cheerfulness.

"Hello?"

"Jennifer, I need you to come into the office. Now," Dr. Parker mumbled into the phone. The tone in his voice made her stomach turn and, for once, she didn't complain as she threw on sweats and yanked her hair back into a ponytail. When she burst into the office, panting slightly from running, Lorena was there to meet her again, her brown eyes full of pity. Profiling instincts took over and she felt her heart drop as she was led to the back, thinking back on her nurse's facial expression and the tone of Dr. Parker's voice. She was put back in room 10 again, only this time Dr. Parker was there waiting for her. Her eyes darted around as she sat rigidly on the edge of the exam table. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, and JJ couldn't help but catalogue the delay techniques he was using.

"Well? The lab work?" she finally asked, trying not to show her impatience. He took a deep breath.

"Jennifer, we sent in your blood and urine samples. According to your descriptions over the phone, your stool was quite pale recently. Your lymph nodes are swollen and you're having nausea, weight loss, and abdominal pain," he summarized, looking at her with sad eyes. "According to your blood work, you have Stage 4 pancreatic cancer." Silence filled the room. Her hyper alert senses began noting everything as her mental defense walls shot up. There were sweat beads on his forehead, he was making eye contact, and his body was turned towards her; tell-tale signs he was telling the truth. She sucked in a breath, breaking the silence and his eyes darted to her face.

"How long?" she asked in a hoarse whisper, pressing her hands together to still their shaking. How had such a routine checkup gone so horribly wrong? Dr. Parker glanced down at his chart slowly, sympathy screaming from his face.

"Four to six months," he said softly, offering her a box of tissues. She looked at them blankly and began shaking her head.

"No. No, that's not right. I have a son, a job, I can't just die. No, there must be something wrong with the samples," she babbled, but even she knew in her gut that her denial was in itself evidence of the truth. Tears began leaking from her eyes and she snatched a tissue from the box. "No. No, Dr. Parker, I have a baby boy, Henry, he needs his mother! I can't just die," she said again, full on sobs wracking her betraying body. He awkwardly stood and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"I'm very sorry Jennifer. There's always chemo, treatment options. Hospice at the worst case," he murmured, trying in doctor speak to reassure her. At the thought of the arduous treatments, costly medications, and strangers filling her house, she sat up straight and wiped away the tears from her eyes.

"No. I won't have Henry subjected to that, seeing me after radiation. And I won't have Will paying for my medication. Besides, those treatments, they destroy your psyche, right?" she deadpanned, numbness coursing through her. Her doctor looked shaken by her sudden attitude change and nodded, adding that there was a chance, though slim, that it would prolong her life. "Why choose more suffering when the end result is the same?" she finally asked, responding to the worried glances. He nodded, not knowing what to say, and let her leave the office. The drive to Quantico was a blur. Her stomach churned as she walked into the bullpen, waving at Emily and Derek who were watching her, confused expressions on their faces. Spencer must have gone for coffee. She knocked quietly on Hotch's office door before entering.

"JJ, we've discussed this. You're not to come back until you have a doctor's signature," Hotch sighed, looking up at her from his papers. He did a double take at her sweats and raised a brow.

"Aaron." Worry replaced the annoyance on his face and he quickly stood, pushing his chair back and closed the blinds and door.

"JJ, what's wrong?" he whispered, though Hotch was certainly not the whispering type. He placed his hands on her shoulders and she met his eyes. The look of his face reflected the dead look she must have been wearing. "Did you get the lab work back?"

"Yeah. Aaron, they diagnosed me with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. They gave me four to six months," she said robotically, carefully searching his expression. She felt his hands go slack on her shoulders and his eyebrows knit together.

"What? JJ, you can't have cancer. You were fine last week!" he protested, jerking up straight. She could see her words taking effect as he shook his head back and forth again and began pacing. When she reached out a hand to stop him, she was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "We can't lose you JJ." She forced a bitter smile.

"I'd like to tell the rest of the team personally, if that's alright with you. Hotch, could you do me a favor?" she hesitantly murmured. He blinked rapidly and nodded.

"Of course JJ, anything."

"Make sure custody of Henry goes to Spence and Pen." She thought she'd never stop seeing the haunted look on his face as she eased out of his office. She shot a small smile in Emily and Derek's direction, whose eyes were following her with concern. She made her way to Dave's office at the end of the ramp and knocked before entering that as well.

"JJ, that is not proper work attire," he teased as he stood up and hugged her. She didn't react to his touch and he looked confused as he pulled back. "But, given that you're wearing it and this is in fact your workplace, I'd guess you have something to say."

"Dave, the doctors diagnosed me with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I have four to six months," she blurted, not trying for formalities, nearly oblivious to the way the words rolled off her tongue. She had blocked everything out as soon as the doctor had said caner. Dave's face fell immediately, a deep sadness washing over him.

"Oh JJ. Don't worry. I'll make sure Henry's taken care of," he murmured as he pulled her into a tight hug. She was grateful that he didn't shed tears. She didn't think she'd be able to handle seeing Rossi cry. She hugged him back this time, tightly squeezing before wiggling away with an apologetic smile. When she emerged, Spencer was still gone, but Penelope had joined Derek and Em in staring worriedly at Rossi's door. She made her way over to them, sucking in a breath as she walked.

"It's something bad isn't it?" Emily asked quietly as she approached. She nodded minutely and clenched her hands.

"I got the lab work back today. They, uh, they diagnosed my illness," she met their hopeful gazes and the tears started falling, without her permission. "I have Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. They estimate I have about four to six months left," she whimpered brokenly, swiping at her eyes. Garcia immediately flung herself at her, tears pouring down her face and clung. Derek's mouth was open and Emily was tearing up, sniffing and shaking her head.

"No peaches! That's not right. You can't have cancer!" Garcia sobbed, crying into her hair. JJ awkwardly patted her back.

"JJ," Derek began in a hollow whisper. His tears overflowed and he joined Pen in squeezing her.

""Jayje, you're my best friend. You can't just die!" Emily cried, wiping at her face and joining the impromptu group hug.

"Guys, I don't want to die. But, I've made sure that when it happens, Henry goes to Penny and Spence." Emily began to cry harder.

"Oh God, Reid. He's not going to be able to take this." JJ sighed as she squirmed out of the hug. Penelope's tears flowed silently and Morgan wrapped his arms tightly around her and Emily. Their eyes followed JJ as she found a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down an address.

"I know. I can't even think about telling him. But it has to be done. There's no way he's finding out by reading my obituary," she spit out bitterly. As if sensing her pain, Spencer walked into the bullpen just as she finished her note. Derek led the girls up to Hotch's office, mumbling about privacy as JJ folded her piece of paper. The confused look in his eyes ripped at her heart.

"Hey Jayje. I didn't know you got cleared to come back. What's up with Morgan?" She gently laid a hand on his arm and held out the paper.

"Will you do me a favor? Take flowers to this place in about six months," she whispered softly, fisting her hands in his shirt and pulling him close. He automatically wrapped an arm securely around her back before reading the slip.

"JJ," he stated hollowly. "This is a cemetery."

"Yeah. Um," she swallowed roughly before continuing, "they diagnosed me with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I have about four to six months. When I, uh, when I go, Hotch is going to make sure Henry ends up in yours and Penny's custody." Spencer froze around her. She swore his heart stopped beating. His slender fingers gently pulled her chin up and tears reflected in his chocolate brown eyes.

"I'll make sure he gets into CalTech," he whispered softly before pressing his lips to hers. She lost herself in the kiss, feeling better than she had since the stomach twist that had ended her world. She felt, more than saw, the tears that mingled with her own as the water washed over their connected lips.

* * *

He took the next six months off work, spending every spare second with her, dragging her to Vegas and marrying her in a matter of days. Henry was with them almost every day of the week (telling Will had been hell; the look on his face made her wake up sobbing from nightmares). Spencer was slowly introducing the idea of loss to Henry, but the child was too young to understand much other than Mommy would have to go away for a while soon because she wasn't feeling well, but Daddy and Uncle Spencer and Aunt Penelope would be there to play with him. The day that marked the six month was spent wrapped up in each other and Henry, a simple spaghetti dinner and, after Henry had gone to bed, sorrowful lovemaking.

* * *

She died exactly one week after her six month mark, leaving behind a mourning husband, a lost child, and a broken record player.

* * *

_"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus a day so I never have to live a day without you."_

_-Winnie the Pooh_

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**A/N: That was…I don't even know. Like I said, this felt a little rough to me so reviews, criticism included, are highly appreciated. **


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